


Hear that Engine Purr

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Animal Transformation, Canon Divergence - Iron Man 3, Cars, Cats, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Iron Man 3 Fix-It, Magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Based on this <a href="http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/17613.html?thread=40750029#t40750029"> Avengerkink prompt</a></p><p> </p><p>(Note: The cars in Tony's garage changed from movie to movie, but they show so little of most of them even fanatic car buffs have a hard time telling what they are. I researched and discovered that one of the 'vehicles' in Tony's garage in Iron Man 2 is an AIRPLANE, an Icon A5, a folding wing amphibious aircraft with a rear mounted propellor (cost $139,000). </p><p>Tony apparently likes both vintage cars and cutting edge technology cars. In Iron Man 2 there's an Audi R8 which had just gone into production, *and* a 1949 Mercury 'lead sled', and a Ghia-bodied Cadillac Series 62 coupe once owned by Rita Hayworth. In Iron Man three I couldn't find much info at all, just that he had two Audi's - a white Etron and a red Etron (both electric super cars based on the R8 that he had in Iron Man 1). Also, I THINK at the end of Avengers he had a black cherry colored Acura in New York. So what can you do when your research messes up the crack fic? Eh, roll with it, I just grabbed some of the cars I liked, mostly from Iron Man 1 where we had the best look at the garage. I tried and I couldn't even find the vanity plate numbers for most of them. </p><p>Also, I know big cats technically can't purr, but eh, magic cats.)</p></blockquote>





	Hear that Engine Purr

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Tony was trying to be a better person, really he was, so when Mr. Mystical whatever (they weren't properly introduced, unless you count materializing an ill-tempered sea monster in Tony's infinity pool while hovering overhead and going 'bwaahahaha, Mr. Mythical ith here! Thay your prayerth, THERPENT THLAYER!') appeared Tony didn't mock Mythical's lisp, or his horrendous color sense (mauve is all very well and good, but not combined with emerald feathers and neon yellow starbursts placed in the nipple regions), but simply, calmly, and coolly corrected Mythical's error.

Well, no. Actually, Tony jumped out of his beach chair, and called for the prehensile suit while shouting, "My GOD, who dressed you? Your drag queen mother?" He dodged a spit of something disgusting from the monster, and got knocked on his ass by a badly aimed piece of armor, which annoyed Tony even more. "Hey, Miss Misstake, who the hell is the 'Serpent Slayer' and why do you think you'll find them here?" Tony might have been a little less irritated, but Pepper had called to say she was going to chew him out for giving out their address to the Mandarin. The Mandarin had to be pretty damn stupid if he didn't already KNOW the address- Tony had been holding huge parties here several times a year for the last ten years, and he'd lost count of the number of party crashers who showed up for the free booze and the good looking people who were attracted to Tony like moths to a candle. Hell, people tweeted the address last year, and he had to order extra liquor and watermelons. So, you know, Tony's temper wasn't of the best, even before the cod piece of the prehensile suit hit him in the gut and the rest of the armor got confused and scattered around his feet, getting in the way.

"THITH ITH 10880 Malibu Point, Malibu, Florida!"

"FLORIDA?" Tony dodged more monster spit. "This is California! I never even heard of a Malibu, Florida! Get your mother-fucking snake out of my pool!" The sea monster had by this time apparently grown tired of the cramped quarters of the pool, and climbed out. "Good," Tony said, and then yelled, "NO, NO, JESUS NO!" when the creature waddled over to the stairs leading down the garage, disabled JARVIS's security system by spitting more glop on the control box and then began squeezing itself down the staircase.

"NOT MY CARS!" Tony yelled. "I just had the Cobra repaired!"

"Cobra? YOU ARE THE THERPENT THLAYER!"

"It's a SHELBY COBRA. IT'S A CAR! CARS! THEY'RE CARS, YOU IDIOT!" Tony looked around for something to throw at the hovering, maybe-wizard.

Mr. Mythical got a hurt look in his eyes. "I'm NOT an IDIOT. And they're not carth! They're.... CATHTH!" And he did a spinny motion with his hands.

There was a loud, very loud noise from the garage. A moment later the sea monster emerged from the staircase, whining. It had several large chunks taken out of its front fin, and large bleeding gashes on its neck. "BABY!" Mr. Mythical said. The monster pushed its scaly head against his chest and cried. A moment later Mr. Mythical was blubbering along with the beast.

Tony rolled his eyes. "I don't think you're cut out for super-villany. Why don't you just go home and... you know, call your vet."

"Yeth. Yeth." Mr. Mythical wiped his eyes. "Thorry. Come, Thethil, we'll go home now." And he did another spinny motion and they were both gone.

"I need a drink, " Tony decided, after looking around at the monster spit and the still quivering pieces of Iron Man armor. "But first, I'd better check on the garage."

Tony went down the stairs cautiously, trying to avoid monster spit and blood. He was fairly sure DUM-E and U would have stayed in their charging stations at the far end of the garage. They were taking a break after helping him record the birth of suit forty-two. The monster probably hadn't reached them, but there were all his favorite vehicles in the way before them. He got down the stairs and turned. His motorcycles were there. His folding wing amphibious aircraft was there. His Suits were all there. But instead of cars... there were cats.

BIG cats. Tony made a small 'eep' noise, as you do when a tiger wearing a collar with a 'Stark 1' tag looks up from chewing on a piece of sea monster fin and stares at you. Before Tony could back up, two white lions, wearing Stark 4 and Stark 11 tags bounded over from where they'd been licking up sea monster blood at the same time a reddish orange cougar with Stark 10 on its collar leaped from somewhere behind the staircase, and a snow leopard, Stark 12, flowed silently beside it. "Yeeaah," Tony said softly. "Cats. Cats, not cars. Good kitties. I think... I will just go back upstairs." He took one step back, but his foot hit on something soft, which screeched, and he panicked, losing his balance and falling down the remaining steps. "AAAAHHHH!" he yelled as a sea of fur met him.

"Huh?" he said after a moment when he realized he was lying on top of the big cats, who had cushioned his fall and were now purring at him. "Huh. Good...um... kitty?" He tentatively patted the tiger that had been his dad's roadster, and it licked his hand.

"MEW." 

Tony turned his head to see a stocky little dark blue cat with orange eyes hop down from the stairs. "Oh. Stark 3. Hey, Shelby. How are you, baby?" The cat had faintly discolored fur along its sides. "Aww, I thought the refinishers had matched the original paint. I'm sorry about that, buddy." The cat marched up to Tony, and leaped onto his stomach with all four hard little paws digging in. It stared in his face and meowed, insistently.

"Um. You guys are hungry?" His former Tesla yawned, showing a lot of snow leopard teeth. "Yeah. I'll order in. Sushi? Sushi sounds good? JARVIS, send a truckload of sushi! No wasabi, or sides, just the FISH!"

"Very good, sir," JARVIS said. "I take it we are keeping the felines?"

"Well, sure, they're MINE. And maybe they'll turn back into cars. I dunno." Tony kept patting the cats, and they kept purring. It was... really... rather soothing. He fell asleep in the middle of a cat cuddle pile, and only woke up when the sushi truck arrived.

"Hey, unload it on the drive." Tony really didn't want the work area smelling of fish, and the cats were already sniffing around for places to scent mark, which he _really_ didn't want. So they put down a tarp and dumped the fish. Before the truck was gone, Tony was hanging onto an Audi R8's white mane and being dragged outside.

Pepper showed up just as Tony was trying to teach the cats how to play fetch. He'd brought DUM-E and U out of the shop in order to demonstrate, and put on one of his suits to protect himself from playful claws. The big cats were very gentle with him, but the Shelby tried to get a swipe in whenever it could. 

"TONY, NO," Pepper said. "You cannot open a zoo without... permits... and licenses..." Pepper stared at the Flathead roadster tiger, which ducked behind Tony to hide.

Tony lifted the faceplate on the helmet. "Pepper, yes! Long story. These are already licensed! They're my cars!"

Pepper moved close and sniffed Tony's breath, examined his pupils, and felt his forehead. Tony rolled his eyes. "I'm fine."

"First you invite a terrorist home and then you stock up on lions and tigers and..."

"No bears!" Tony said cheerfully.

"JARVIS!" Pepper shouted. "What's going on here? Are we in danger?"

Dutifully, JARVIS said, "Apparently magic is real. Mr. Mystical transformed all of sir's automobiles into felines. Also, three heavily armed attack helicopters are bearing directly on our location."

"TONY!" Pepper yelled.

"ON IT, Pep!" Tony said, snapping down the faceplate. "JARVIS! HOUSE PARTY PROTOCOL!" Then he picked up Pepper in one arm, the little Shelby cat in the other and flew down the driveway, with the big cats and the bots following him. Tony stopped once he reached the main road and set down Pepper, and the cat who was gamely trying to claw the Suit. They all turned and watched as the roof of the mansion opened, and a flock of Iron Men flew out, and blasted the three helicopters to bits. The lions and the tiger roared. The other cats sat down for a good wash.

"Sorry about that, Pepper," Tony said. "Um. Maybe you should go to a hotel? A pet friendly one?"

"I am NOT taking your zoo with me!" Pepper stalked off in the direction of her Audi, which was still an Audi. 

"But... what if Mandarin comes after you?" Tony looked at the cats. "Guys? You know Pepper. Protect her!" 

The snow leopard and cougar ran after Pepper and squeezed into the back seat of the Audi. Pepper frowned at them, but they stayed put. "FINE," she said, "Tony, you FIX THIS!"

"Yeah, right. Ok." Tony went back into the workshop. "JARVIS, did you get any clues from the helicopters? Or do I have to play detective."

"The helicopters' identification had been covered, however I was able to enhance the image, and have traced them back to a series of dummy corporations, ending with an Aldrich Killian, founder of AIM."

"Ok, fine. Get me an address. He came calling on me. I'm going to take the Boys and go calling on him!"

Maya Hansen showed up just in time to see Tony fly off, surrounded by Iron Men. She tried to get into the house. One of the Audis pissed on her and she ran off screaming.

 

"So," Tony said a day later, as he sat in his beach chair, watching the roadster swim in the infinity pool, while the rest of his cats lounged around and purred, "alls well that ends well. Maya is getting funding, and close supervision, Killian and his flame-troopers are all gone, and that dweeb Mandarin's heading for prison."

"Yes, and," Pepper said as she sipped her martini and petted the little blue cat, which adored her, "Happy's getting better, and your permit for a private zoo has come through."

"Great!" Tony looked at the little cat, which flattened its ears and spit at him. "Why don't you keep Shelby?"

"I think I might. He's a sweetheart."

"Uh huh," Tony said, rubbing his scratched arms. "Guess I'll be buying some new cars. What do you guys think to start with? Lambo? Bugatti? Koenigsegg Agera S? Oh, hey, Porsche Spyder?" The lions purred. "Spyder it is." Tony put on his sunglasses and leaned his head back. "Mmm, good day."

"Yes." Pepper petted her cat and smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this [ Avengerkink prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/17613.html?thread=40750029#t40750029)
> 
>  
> 
> (Note: The cars in Tony's garage changed from movie to movie, but they show so little of most of them even fanatic car buffs have a hard time telling what they are. I researched and discovered that one of the 'vehicles' in Tony's garage in Iron Man 2 is an AIRPLANE, an Icon A5, a folding wing amphibious aircraft with a rear mounted propellor (cost $139,000). 
> 
> Tony apparently likes both vintage cars and cutting edge technology cars. In Iron Man 2 there's an Audi R8 which had just gone into production, *and* a 1949 Mercury 'lead sled', and a Ghia-bodied Cadillac Series 62 coupe once owned by Rita Hayworth. In Iron Man three I couldn't find much info at all, just that he had two Audi's - a white Etron and a red Etron (both electric super cars based on the R8 that he had in Iron Man 1). Also, I THINK at the end of Avengers he had a black cherry colored Acura in New York. So what can you do when your research messes up the crack fic? Eh, roll with it, I just grabbed some of the cars I liked, mostly from Iron Man 1 where we had the best look at the garage. I tried and I couldn't even find the vanity plate numbers for most of them. 
> 
> Also, I know big cats technically can't purr, but eh, magic cats.)


End file.
